I want people to write comedic rants (adult language)

Topic: Of your choice
Tone: Sardonic
Extensive research needed: no

Short version: write about what you want, make it funny, get paid, not a lot.

Long version:

There's this website, got these supposedly amusing rants on it. Called 'Striving for Apathy'. I know, clever eh? Shut up.

Has no advertising, makes no money; that's not the point. The point is to allow people to vent. It strikes me that, in these increasingly confusing times, people need an outlet to write more than one and a half sentences of shouty nonsense in the monstrous echo chamber of social media.

But lately it's becoming excruciatingly hard to find people who want to do that without expecting riches beyond imagination in return for writing that would struggle to draw a smile from an infant with wind. The result is it's recently ended up mostly me writing for it. You can forgive the audience for getting tired of this.

So I want a couple of people to help out, on this basis:

Write on whatever topic you want - anything that gets you riled up
Make it funny
Make it angry, sweary if you want, but mostly make it funny
Make it about 500-1,000 words
No lists of 'things I hate'
No CAPITAL LETTER SHOUTING
No links, no pictures
Exclamation marks are the devil's work
Make it funny

I will pay you £20 to do this. Not princely, but given you're writing basically what you want I'm not sure it's worth moaning about. If you want more, I'm sure VICE are looking for people.

It'll be posted under your (first) name and if you want to put a link to it on Twatter or Farcebook or any of that cobblers, all the better. Should you succeed in drawing people to read your muck I will consider paying more in the future.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU WANT THIS they all cry as one.
Infrequently, not more than once a month.
If you message me and ask HOW OFTEN DO YOU WANT THIS I will know you haven't read this job posting and I will hunt you down.

Google the site; they won't let me put a URL here. Or they will, I forget; anyway look it up, I'm not your mum, put some effort in for Christ's sake. You will see the tone we're aiming at and the type of drivel these loons come out with. You'll be unsurprised to learn I am the 'Chris' who has written all the recent things on that website. Er, the most recent one is intentionally ridiculous by the way, so don't take that as a template.

You will of course be tempted to email me directly trying to bypass PPH's fees, but that's hardly in the spirit of things, is it? Presume that I am far more likely to respond here.

This is a fun gig for no other purpose than to let off steam. Treat it as such and we'll get on. If you ignore all of the above because you're BUSY NOT READING don't expect a reply.