Rewrite needed for instructional descriptions of houseplant care

I need a wildly funny writer (or darkly sarcastic, both welcome) to rewrite some existing plant descriptions (ie, care instructions, watering etc). I will provide you with names of plants and sites you can take reference from, rewrite is needed to put a spin on it - without altering the fundamental information. As you can imagine, there are hundreds of plants, so please reply me with 1 example of your style (it could be in the non-plant category.) Basic knowledge of indoor houseplants and an idea of the names of them/ what they look like, will help you to be a Speedy Gonzales in your written work.

I also need rewrites of other things, so happy to work with you for the next months if you deliver the goods. I will start by paying your hourly rate for a couple hours, so please suggest to me what can be done, and then we can discuss on a project based compensation.

Example

Plant [Anthurium]

Light: Medium to high indirect light. Direct light can burn leaves.

Water: Once a week. Soil can stay slightly moist.

Toxic to pets

Maintenance
As low maintenance as your Netflix subscription

Example 2

Plant [Hoya]

Light: Thrives in bright, direct light but can tolerate indirect light

Water : When soil is completely dry and leaves start to wrinkle
Actually, water before that...

Humidity : Don’t sweat it! Any level of humidity will do