I need a funny / humor copywriter

Kind of writing: Humor
Topic: Stationery
Tone: Informal/Casual
Extensive research needed: no
Extra notes: Humor Copywriting
Looking for someone ideally with a background in greetings cards to help with a Stationery project.
I have 18-20 products for a new stationery collection aimed at 18-35 year olds ranging from notebooks to drink bottles. The heart of this project will lie in the tag lines/slogans/copy that I want to grab the customers.
Nothing Rude but also not cheesy.
Needs to be FUNNY / humorous
Nothing that is already out there
The style of copy im after is talkative - for example
Notebooks already exist that say : TODAY IS THE DAY
What IM looking for is something a bit mor conversational: EG
TODAY IS THE DAY
(if not then Definatly tomorrow,
but ideall today!)

A drink bottle that says:
After this workout we are DEFIANTLY getting pizza ..

etc etc.

I will provide a list of products once I have chosen the person but I would be interested in seeing some examples of work / portfolio/ examples of ideas as there could be a lot of repeat business for us.

Thanks,
Jess