Services of an experienced, humorous, copyriter required to write Newsletter articles

I require the services of an experienced Copywriter with a humerous turn of phrase to write articles for our Newsletter.

The first is about our Summer daw and I attach the words I have written as a starting point.

We need about twice as many words as I have written so some padding is required.

I would like to get this job done overnight if possible and, if I am happy with the result will place the other articles with the successful applicant for this one.

To be clear, The budget is just to write this article.