Biography of a Teddy Bear

My teddy bear has never spoken to me since the day he was first given to me. I require a highly motivated writer to persuade my teddy to talk about his experiences. The potential applicant should have experience of dealing with stuffed toys, preferably teddies, and the ability to get the teddy talking: a jar of honey might help. The biography should be about 1,000,000 words: the writer should get cracking straight away! The bear's name is Barney.